Editor: Leah
I have done it again. A new semester has finally commenced for the seventh time if I remember it correctly. It has always been the same situation, that familiar face, attitude and walking style, wicked and deceitful as usual. A few months ago, I attended a mental health seminar conducted by one of our professors from the psychology department. Nothing had actually gotten into my mind throughout her lecture except for one thing, “we will be the kind of person that we always think we are, so you need to keep a positive self-image”. It was a lecture on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), a psychosocial technique to reframe our negative thoughts into thinking positively. I thought it was ridiculous, no one is supposed to be that insane to have to be dependent on this so-called psychological technique, at least not for me because I’ve got Arissa by my side. A good friend of mine, a prisoner in my heart, good company who caught me off guard with her gentle voice, “Hey, you are looking good today, again.”. I think she is just very friendly most of the time and a handsome girl too.
We have known each other since our first year of college. A polite girl who always offers me help, going for lunch together and more importantly, she is the girl who gave me my nickname, Dan, since my name is Daniel. I like her character, and that’s why I always feel obliged to accept most of her requests though sometimes it might be quite ridiculous. But there is one thing that she never knew, I was diagnosed with anxiety or whatever they call it. As you can see, it only happens once in a while, usually at the beginning of the semester, not that I am actually crazy. I don’t need CBT. It just happens that I am doing it again, feeling exhausted and not being myself like I used to be whenever the new semester commenced. Nevertheless, it’s not that bad. After all, I have Arissa with me. I know she will not be judgmental if she happens to know about my condition. For the few months I have known her, she was very supportive.
“Here are the pills that you are looking for”, said the cashier at the counter. “Thank you, I really need it now, not feeling so well”, I replied. As I went outside, my mind went blank again. A few weeks have passed, and it is now mid-semester break which means that I have not met her for quite a few days. I tried to call her and text her but there was no reply. “Why is this girl avoiding me?” I felt confused. When we were on campus, we rarely communicated using digital devices since I could listen to her speaking to me directly, so close as if she was whispering in my ear. That is how serious our relationship turned out to be.
A familiar voice could suddenly be heard a few feet away from me. “Dan, there you are, I tried to find you everywhere”, ironically that greeting came from Arissa. “What are you doing here, how did you know that I was here?” I responded. “Well, what don’t I know about you? After all, it feels as if you are just like me.”, she said. Her reply doesn’t make sense at all but I was so happy regardless, to be able to see her today. We spent our long day watching our favourite movies and we went for a leisurely walk at the recreational park. I like spending my time with her and I would definitely do anything just for her.
However, the things that she requested of me were pretty odd and eccentric sometimes but I just shrugged it off and convinced myself that I was overreacting. When we had our lunch together, she told me to converse with her using cat language. Being someone with so many problems in my life, perhaps it is just one of the most normal days that I have been through. When she visited my house, she said that I look pretty hot and sweet like roasted honey cornflakes if I tried to put my head in the kitchen oven. That was a pretty weird joke but I didn’t really mind it, guess I shall let it pass.
A few days passed, so we decided to have a picnic at this magnificent waterfall near our campus. The environment was breathtaking and peaceful. Spending my time with her at this moment usually meant that we were going to have a long conversation about our favourite topics and life experiences. “Can you wait here, I just want to stand on that big rock beside that large waterfall to see if I can identify a perfect angle for our selfie together,” she said. I just nodded spontaneously. As she tried to climb that big rock, she suddenly slipped and fell into the water. It can’t be, she was obviously drowning but didn’t seem like she was crying out loud for help. Without any hesitation, I dived into the water immediately to save her but I felt like something was grabbing my legs and I couldn’t swim properly. I was supposed to save her but I ended up drowning myself. I was helpless. “I guess this will be my last moment with her”, my internal monologue kicked in as I started to lose consciousness.
Everything was dark and gloomy as my eyes were closed. It felt lonely again without anyone staying by my side and I was clueless about the current timeline. “How many hours, days or years have I been in this kind of state?”, I thought. “Daniel, can you hear me?” a male voice could be heard clearly by me as I slowly opened both of my eyes again. “Where am I?” I asked. “Well you are in heaven now, I guess you don’t really value your safety that much, why did you go to that secluded waterfall all by yourself without company?” my dad angrily replied. “What do you mean? Rissa was there with me all the time, I was trying to save her from drowning”, I rebut. “Who’s Rissa? Isn’t she that girl who passed away after an accident a few years ago?” My dad was confused. “Who told you that? She is just fine and always alive.” I told him. “Do you mean the cat at our home that you have adopted and named Rissa? Yeah, that one is pretty alive. You even brought her with you to have lunch together because you were so lonely after that girl left you.” my dad answered. My only spontaneous reply is “Damn, I am insane after all”. “You must be hearing that whisper again, it happens whenever the new semester begins.”, said my dad. Yes, I have done it again. That familiar face, attitude and walking style, wicked and deceitful as always. Even though you are a wicked shadow that has been clinging to my life for a while, I still like that gentle voice from you whispering my name from afar, “Dan, Dan, there you are”. Yes, it is my nickname that she has given me. Dan is what she called me. “I miss you, Rissa”.
Illustrator: Ayisha
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