The Sturdy Rock

“Why?” she murmured under her breath.

Leaning her back on the wall, she let gravity pull her body to the ground. Raising her hands until her knuckles were in view, she huffed, mocking herself. “Pain? What is pain?” agitated, her breath quickened. With a slight frown visible on her forehead, she shook her head, took a deep breath and shut her eyes, before falling into deep slumber. Over the years, she was wary of sleep in fear of the recurring nightmare that would have left her screaming in her sleep. In her dream, she was running, chasing or being chased; she herself could not tell. Her surroundings were always pitch black and she felt lost and alone. The dream has always been tiresome, every single time.

Trouble tailed her like a shadow. She never went out to look for trouble but trouble came to seek her out. People spoke wondrously about life. But, it was never the same for her. Since he left, she had to mature before her age, for both her mother and siblings. She was not the best looking in her family nor was she a feminine daughter. She was bold and rough, but never outwardly rebellious; she never had the chance to. Irritated, agitated or sad, she suppressed them all for she was never able to voice them out. Timid? No. She was too concerned for others that she did not want them to get hurt. One might admire her for her selfless trait but that, to her, was a weakness. Her weakness was her fear of losing her loved ones and it eventually grew on her.

Dee, to others, was a warrior who fought her own battles. She was capable of everything. She excelled in her studies, worked hard, fathered her siblings; she did so much. But it was too much and it cost her her whole life. She worked too hard that she ended up living within the rigid world she developed in her mind over the years. No matter how hard she tried to pull away, she found herself entangled more in the space she created. She failed to crawl out of her vulnerable space but chose to wear her beautiful smile every day. Since he left, mother did everything in her might to care for Dee and her siblings. They clung to her every word; they clung to her endlessly. Behind her smile, she hid a thousand tears. It was Dee who saw all her struggles, who held her hands through tough times; the one person mother could truly rely on. But, her strength was what made Dee invisible. To everyone, she was fine on her own, so she never received the attention her siblings had gotten and yet, she hardly complained. She swallowed everything for all she hoped for was her mother’s happiness and that was what kept her going. She had plenty to cope with and the list seemed to never end. But like any other day, she set aside her pain and readily flashed her bright smile whenever she was with her family.

“Ahhh!” Dee screeched. Her heart was pounding hard, her throat felt dry-parched from shouting, but she could not seem to wake herself up. Suddenly, a pair of warm hands held her hands, pulling her into a comforting hug that she no longer suffocated. A voice whispers, “There, there Dee, I am here. I am sorry that things had to be different for you, but it is time to free yourself. Stop beating yourself down and count your blessings”. The voice faded. Drenched in sweat, Dee turned around only to find that she was gone. “Mother.” she muttered. Hiding her face between her knees, she sobbed silently through the night. That was what she needed all along, a little acknowledgement, a little reassurance. That was it.

It was late afternoon. The slanting rays of the sun setting gave out a warm yellowish orange tinge that spread across the sky. As she stared out of the window, mother’s voice echoed in her head. Since that night, she recounted the many events in her life and eventually crawled out of the dark. Beneath the pain of a broken family, there are countless blessings, like the blanket of glimmering stars that stretched to infinity. Regardless of the conflict and strife within the family, father played his role before he left. It was never a human’s job to punish another anyway and so she stopped resenting him. It was not hatred that kept her blaming him for her tough times for the past ten years, she just missed him. Had he never left, things would be different. Although there was a part of her that never ceased to quit hoping for the day that will never arrive, Dee realized, some things, when broken, will just remain broken.

“One thing that one should always remember is that there are and will be things that are beyond our control. It takes great effort, patience and a wholesome faith in Him. Remember, one is never at a loss from giving and striving.” Recalling the words smoothly, she affirmed her belief. She knew better. She knew by heart that He is the best Planner and He knows what is best for His believers. Although she had passed on a few years back, she was the heart of the family and has remained so. “Count your blessing”, echoed in the stillness of the night. Dee did not live by a pitiful fate. Her life was full of wondrous adventures which she chose to suppress back then. Love and appreciation were as dressings to her soul. She has now blossomed into the warrior that everyone sees of her.

“Why does it have to be me?” she asked herself. Well, it just has to. From the very beginning, she was the chosen one. The one to have been blessed with endless miracles and blessings that have now come to the surface. Dee was indeed a warrior, braver and stronger than any other.