Resilience

Trigger Warning // Suicidal thoughts

“What do you want?”, I looked up.

I was never that bold to ask before, I can’t even look in those greenish blue eyes of hers. For God’s sake, I used to be extremely terrified. I remember when she first came, I was eleven and I never acknowledged her till these past years.

She smirked. I know she can hear my thoughts.

I hate that she’s getting cooler with her black leathered jacket but at the same time she smells worse. I can sense her a mile away. At first I thought she was comforting me. I was wrong. I don’t have the resilience.

“Aw baby. You miss me, don't you?” she brushed her hair with her fingers. “Maybe” I shrugged.

My fingers were trembling. I can’t even smoke properly. Usually nicotine makes me calm. Not this time. My lungs just decided to be healthy.

She kicked my empty Dr Pepper’s bottle aside. It rolled and made it through the clogging drain that I was supposed to unclog last summer. My stupid brothers can’t even do a decent job in this entire house other than sleeping for half a day with a weed-smelt-bedroom. I took a heavy breath and turned over my clean wrist,

“See?”

“What.. what happened?” her eyes turned black. Pitch black. She’s not happy. I smiled. Reminiscing the first time I talked to Him. I never actually hope for Him. I was not in a good place. All I want is to be done with this world. But He found me eventually. He reached me with great companions.

“I finally built my resilience”, I shed a tear. Happy ones.

“You need me.”

She finally turned to her real form. A terrifying black shadow with a gruesome feature and croaky voice. The first form when she first met me. I remember everything. “That’s the thing. I never was”

I put out my last desire against the thin wooden wall as the remaining ashes flew down, I left her. Although I feel like she’s going to come back. I’m still going to try and walk away. Because in the end, you only have yourself.

-end-